S3 Episode 8: Lecture One | The Most Important Lesson

In Episode 8 of Season  3, Meg reminds you of the importance of being attentive in class. Putting on her professor regalia for this episode, the Pleasure Professor reviews Setting the Mood. Knowing very well that she has some...intelligent and experienced scholars in her audience, she decides to give a pre-assessment to see what we know thus far before delving into the most important lesson she will ever teach you.

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Sex Isn't Intimacy. Sex is pleasurable and becomes more pleasurable when you have intimacy. Not sold? Let's rethink love, relationships, and sex. Let me seduce you. You are listening to the Linguist of Love. Welcome to the Erotic Renaissance.

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You can join Meg on linguistoflove.com where she hosts a community aimed on personal development, restructuring relationships to be more authentic and built on communication, transparency, and empathy, and exploring sensuality and eroticism in safe ways that push your boundaries to allow you to create the space you deserve to live the life that will bring you more joy, peace, and love.
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Transcript

Welcome to The Erotic Renaissance, I am Meg De la Torre, your Linguist of Love. And Today – I am also your instructor as you are tuning in. That’s right, I’ve prepared a little lesson for you today. 

– [groans] Why?

 – You fein dissatisfaction despite arousal in your tone.

Unfortunately, I believe that some of you have not been taking me seriously about the importance of setting the scene. So, I’ll await as you take your seat in my classroom. Yes, please – sit down. I would like to commence.

I’ll wait.

Mmm…I do adore an attentive audience when I discuss such an important topic. Don’t believe me? Well, I am the beast tamer, and -you-, my sweet enamored beast, are sitting in my front row. Ah, I see you thinking of moving to the back row. -tsk- Sorry, Love, there’s only you and me.

As we are joined together in this classroom, you can see me standing before a black chalkboard in what appears to be a darkened living room where lamps wear fringed hats and every lounge chair houses a lap dance. On my desk is a vase of red and orange roses. Unfortunately for you, it wasn’t you who had remembered to please the Pleasure Professor by arriving early to drop off roses. As I write on the chalkboard, you notice I am wearing a navy blue pleated skirt and a blue floral blouse that has been tied at my waist. Between the blouse and skirt, you notice that black straps wrap around my waist and rib cage, tempting you to touch the soft space of exposed skin. My hair is soft and curly and carries a scent of oud and roses as I move past to gain your eyes to the board again. As you are in my lecture hall today, you are asked to close your eyes if they are not already and relax. 

As you breathe in the scent of the classroom, you can smell  Vanilla and Honey and something you can’t…quite…place, but for some reason, it reminds you of Home [Scent Used: “Voyage Home” by Stella Lux Creations]. 

Lecture 1 | The Most Important Lesson

Good Morning Scholars,

It is so lovely to have you in class today. In this lesson, I’ll be teaching you about setting the mood. Ah, I know, I know – you already know how to set the mood. I see, hmmm. Well I’ll start with a pre-assessment then and assess how mastered you are in the art of setting the mood. 

When I set the mood, I see myself as cultivating a space with the intention to arouse and honor the act of lovemaking. Yes, you have a question? What is it? [laughs] Is lovemaking the same thing as fucking? [laughs] How cheeky – 

If you are speaking about the mechanics, then yes, but the two are entirely different. However, whether you are making love or—-fucking, you always have the option to Set the Mood. Let’s start with a question for reflection. 

A question that I often hear is: Do I always have to set the mood? Take a moment and think carefully about this.

Got your answer?

– Hmmm good job, the answer is “no,” please never feel like you must set the mood to have arousing sex. It is always an option, but there are some aspects of setting the mood that are more important than others.

And that brings me to our focus question: “What is the most important aspect of setting the mood?” Take your time to answer please.

Yes, considering the senses are very important – good job, but what is the MOST important aspect of setting the mood?

I think I heard a whisper somewhere with the right answer, but the answer to what is the most important aspect of setting the mood is – safety [and along with safety, Consent]. While most people don’t consider safety as a part of setting the mood, I consider safety to be similar to a gate keeping the garden safe from misguided steps. When you feel safe, you can slow down enough to be present in the body and [breathe] experience [breathe] the exchange [breathe] of energy.

Consider that even if every single element has been thought of to make the space arousing [like candle lighting or tempoed beats], if I don’t feel safe with the person I am with, then I won’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable or be open to receive the exchange of energy. In my experience, it appears to be the care and intention that one puts into creating a space that allows one to be vulnerable that makes sex so satisfying. And this safety does not just mean the physical well-being of my vessel. Yes, an individual might experience physical well-being during an experience that also feels assaulting – and for many of us, we’ve had more experiences of assault rather than feeling safe enough to let down our walls and experience pleasure.

Metaphorically speaking, once I know I am safe with you, I can allow myself to be present and bloom into the state of experiencing. The sensations that someone else hopes will bring me pleasure, ecstasy, or the bliss of love and euphoria can then actually be felt and experienced the more consistently I know and feel safe. It is with this pattern of consistency that I can bloom into the mindset to experience. And if one is exploring more taboo kinks, safety is the key to creating a foundation for satisfying kink-play. Otherwise, it can be difficult or sometimes psychologically harmful to practice kink-play when you don’t feel safe with the person you're playing or partnering with for a scene.

Let me expand on safety, because as I mentioned earlier, safety does not just mean that you or your Lover is not afraid of being physically injured.  I intend “Safe” to mean that an individual understands that their boundaries and vessel will be honored not only during play but additionally in how one engages outside of play situations. 

“Consent,” to really get to the point, is evolving. As a society, we haven’t had the best track record of understanding that another person’s body is off limits to us. However, you have the opportunity every time you interact to change and do better in the way that you consider others and their bodies. I once taught a consent workshop in which a gentleman said that he was worried that checking in for consent would “ruin the mood” that he had set. I had to remind him - and everyone else at the workshop - that my safety and comfort should always be more important than the “mood.” If one of the Lovers has failed to evoke feelings of safety or comfort, it doesn’t matter what color the lights are for ambiance or whether the music is delectably down-tempoed, their partner will most likely not be having positive or arousing experiences. They might be likely to experience anxiety, fear, paralysis, dissociation, or complacency. And many times, it was because no one has created a space to discuss boundaries or clear the space of overhanging tensions over whether physical touch or romantic advances would be desired in the first place.

Imagine that I am sitting with you – just me. Maybe I turn to you on a lounge and say, “I want to express to you that I have appreciated every listen you’ve given me on each episode of this podcast, and I would love to honor that consistent and devotional gift with a kiss on your cheek as a thank you. May I kiss you?” Consider how much more meaning and intention is placed into that act of love and appreciation. I have also just told you some key information about me, yes? – I have expressed to you that I value consistency and devotion to a passion and mission of mine and that this act of love helps me to feel loved and valued, which in effect – aroused me enough to desire to kiss you – AND that I cared about your feelings about this act of affection enough to tell you what I wanted, why, and then I waited for you to tell me if it would be permissible by you, [whilst] knowing my underlying intention.

And if you were to say that you reserve kissing for your partner, I would gratefully have the opportunity to say, “Thank you for honoring your boundaries and those of your partner.” Why? Because your safety and comfort is more important to me, and I wouldn’t want for you to carry guilt or shame over violating a boundary that I was not aware of so that I could avoid putting you in such a position in the first place. 

When one feels safe with the partner they are with, comfort becomes more effortless. While having physical comfort is important, that’s not the only aspect of comfort I am addressing here. I am also addressing emotional, psychological, and mental comfort. If I am going into a situation in which I am preparing to fuck or make love, it is important that I be honest with myself if I am in a place to actually give and receive energy with my partner(s). I then want to be sure that – they – are in an all around well and comfortable emotional place as well. Comfort allows one to embrace curiosity, traverse one’s sexual and erotic boundaries, and to sit emotionally in potentially triggering fantasies and mitigate shame and guilt. When done well, having the comfort with a partner to explore your most triggering fantasies can lead one to a more euphoric experience, and can have the potential to transmute negative emotions and heal unseen wounds.

As a Domme creating a safe and comfortable space is particularly important for me to consider. I have souls under my care that have unseen wounds, and while many of them might choose to disclose, it is more likely that many of souls that I care for might never even consider what unseen wounds would be important for me to know. It is my job as a pleasure practitioner to navigate through unseen minefields to the best of my ability, and deliver positive erotic exchanges. And just like this is important for me professionally, it is equally important to me within personal relationships – as it hopefully is to you as well. Thus, carving out time to talk about consent, even if it is an existing relationship, provides space and opportunity for each lover to navigate vulnerable exchanges where trust is not only important but paramount. 

Although people in partnerships often struggle with carving time into their schedule to have regular check-ins, many less communicate transparently and empathetically with their partner(s). By sharing a sacred space together, check-ins create an opportunity to sink into the comfort of emotional and psychological trust with your partner. If you’re not sold immediately that hosting a safe space for communication leads to better sex, then let me seduce you to consider that checking in with your partner regularly is like having a player on every base on your team’s baseball diamond or like ensuring you have all your necessities on your person before leaving the house. By checking in regularly, I have the opportunity to feel confident that my partner(s) feel safe and comfortably taken care of by me [not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually]. What I am describing here is a holistic happiness where one feels safely comfortable within their relationship. At this moment, I hope you can imagine what it feels like to alleviate the pressure, anxiety, or fear one may feel by having that certainty that no one is leaving and that boundaries are in place. What can blossom from this garden of possibilities is endless, and it is at this precise moment that I hope you understand that I just taught you how to prepare and protect your own garden where you have the freedom to sow any seeds of desire you wish to manifest.

Thank you, my lovely listener, for joining The Erotic Renaissance and for sitting in my classroom today as I lectured on the most important lesson, which I believe you can return to often to help you build the relationship garden of your dreams. I hope this episode inspired you to honor yourself and others more fully by communicating about consent and practicing checking-in with others. Perfection is never expected but effort is always appreciated. As I hope you take away from today’s lesson, here is an affirmation that you can practice as you embark on your own Erotic Renaissance: I honor myself and others by communicating clearly from my heart space.

I do hope that if you’re listening to my voice as the sun sets, that you rest well and easily and dream up new dreams and adventures for tomorrow, and if you’re listening to my voice as the sun rises, may you tame any dragons with the greatest of strength and with the upmost empathy.

I am Meg De la Torre, your Linguist of Love. Let me seduce you.