S3 Episode 5: "Thank You, Next, Mr. Porsche" | A Renaming of a Wayward Beast

 Disclaimer | Shortly after our break up, Mrs. Porsche was notified of everything in the case that she wasn’t aware, so she could make an informed decision about her marriage. 

In this episode, Meg is ready to release a past lover in a new way. In her ongoing series "Thank You, Next," Meg will complete a gratitude release for the aches in her heart over lovers since passed. This episode is about Mr. Porsche -- her ex-boyfriend who started as a sugar daddy, who became her Habibi, and transformed into a beast. While she broke off their relationship in 2020, she is ready to release him in a new way and say thank you for the good things he brought into her life while he cared for her. 

Meg hopes that as she releases this beast, that others feel encouraged to release past pain in a way that feels right to them -- and for her that means saying "Thank You, Next."

Introduction Plays:
Sex Isn't Intimacy. Sex is pleasurable and becomes more pleasurable when you have intimacy. Not sold? Let's rethink love, relationships, and sex. Let me seduce you. You are listening to the Linguist of Love. Welcome to the Erotic Renaissance.

Erotic Renaissance music plays.

You can join Meg on linguistoflove.com where she hosts a community aimed on personal development, restructuring relationships to be more authentic and built on communication, transparency, and empathy, and exploring sensuality and eroticism in safe ways that push your boundaries to allow you to create the space you deserve to live the life that will bring you more joy, peace, and love.
Support the show

Support the Podcast

• LINGUISTOFLOVE.COM
• Instagram | @LINGUISTOFLOVE
• Venmo | @LINGUISTOFLOVE
• Cash App | @LINGUISTOFLOVE

Top Podcast Supporters
Stella Lux Creations
DiscreetGuru

Transcript

Disclaimer | Shortly after our break up, Mrs. Porsche was notified of everything in the case that she wasn’t aware, so she could make an informed decision about her marriage.

Welcome to The Erotic Renaissance, I am Meg De la Torre, your Linguist of Love. In our previous episode, I read Chapter 1 of my 2023 Erotica to you, giving you some context as I set the scene for this year’s erotic tale. You may enjoy installments of my 2023 Erotica between other episodes of the Erotic Renaissance. In today’s episode, I am releasing a Wayward Beast, as I say “Thank You, Next” to a past lover by releasing him with gratitude for the things that I learned through their stay in my Sensual Sanctuary.

If you have completed any of my “Journey Within” Reflection Prompts, I will be using my personal responses to February’s prompts to start off today’s episode and lead us into a gratitude releasing of a Beast that was once in my life. We’ll start with our first question: 

“What are you awake for?”

In this moment, I wish to interpret the word “awake” to mean to see with my eyes truly open. With this understanding, I see how life is most enjoyed when you allow yourself to be awake for the minutiae of life, the small and beautiful moments of joy in captured in memories. Many of my treasure moments have been between the hours of midnight and sunrise. I have been finding that  I am a creature that loves to awaken at midnight and be creative through the twilight hours, seeing the sunrise at the end of a creative burst as a reward before resting. Something about living life in accordance to my desires, dreams, and the way my mind wants to create when others are dreaming has helped me find some liberation through life. I have danced into twilight in New York City’s Rosewood Theatre, stretched in an airport on an overnight layover in Orlando, wrote erotic stories for you to listen to on a sunrisen take-off for you to listen to and have driven around in a white porsche being serenaded songs in Egyptian by a man who cried because he couldn’t give me more than a song and kisses in the backseat. –A bittersweet end to a relationship that gave me my first taste of freedom. As I focus in on this memory, I remember tasting love from him many times, even though it would never reach deep enough for the kind of love I desire in my future.

Through my personal journey, I have found that this time of the witching hour is when memories of mine are the most poetic and filled with passion. And as I am continuing this journey into 32, intentionality has become way more important to me, especially in love and sex. I find the most magic happens when I enjoy any opportunity to be intentional  about how I move through the world, how I choose to experience the journey, and who it is that I journey alongside. The Who in my life is the fragment that has been absent the most – and based on my past experiences, this occurs most often because people unexpectedly become beasts, which leads me to our second question…

What nightmares tend to linger as you open your eyes?

While I might have answered this question differently a couple years ago, I still want to share both responses. In 2020, I feared much more than I do now, so my list of nightmares would include fears such as people leaving my life, people changing, being alone, and being too ambitious. However, I have begun to see these fears as the inverse of my strengths. 

I used to fear people leaving, because I tend to love so deeply that I break my own heart when people stop showing up like they did when they wanted something. In the past, I feared people changing, because I have experienced many transformations of self and feared that people would not love the new me. I  feared being alone, because some of my most sacred and life-changing moments would come from solitude in my Sensual Sanctuary. I feared my ambitious nature, because I was told that a man would never love a woman with too much ambition. However, I have learned that my tenacity and ambition are remarkable strengths and brilliant aspects of my unique beauty. 

And today, I am considering the most prevalent fear that lingers between slumber and morning’s light. While my previous fear has been that money will change me, as I have seen it change others, I have learned through the past couple of years that money just amplifies who you already are. If I win the lottery, I have more resources to do whatever it might be that I am currently doing. I have learned to release this fear, which had been built on dogmas I had been taught in strict and religious spaces. Despite having to rewrite these rules for myself, I know who I am, and that I enjoy creating room to  help others’, creating safe spaces for sensual exploration  and always strive to make a bigger change in the world. And no amount of money will ever change the core of who I am. This lesson was taught to me by Mr. Porsche, the sugar daddy that turned into a Habibii [Arabic transliteration to English meaning “my love”] that then transformed into a beast. 

As I look back in hindsight, the only true nightmare that lingers as I awaken today is how little I fought for myself in the past. If you’ve listened throughout my previous podcast and have stayed loyal through your listening of the Erotic Renaissance, you will have seen my evolvement into the Me that I am today. You’ve heard of the early neglect and abuse I experienced, the tumultuous relationships, and the tenacity and resiliency to pursue a mission of love in this world as I began the Erotic Renaissance that you are listening to today.  I have seen many people I have loved and cared for evolve into beasts. –Yet, I do want to say that I tend to see Beasts as misunderstood people that haven’t been set up for success or haven’t been taught how to escape a cycle they don’t know they are stuck in. And at the same time, I have met many Beasts that were cultivated with never being held accountable for their choices and being gifted opportunities they weren’t ready to appreciate. 

I have learned from dating and doing business with so many beasts that if someone treats you like a Beast, it is best to let them hide in their West Wing and become the beast they feared the most and trust that they are learning whatever lesson they want to learn, even if they choose to learn it the hard way.

Today’s  episode is a musing about a Beast once named Mr. Porsche, but as you will see by the end of this musing, that I gift him a new name. And while I wield floggers, paddles, and candle wax dripping as a Beast Tamer Extraordinaire, I know at the same time that if one wants to create a healing space, which I always prefer, then it is love that needs to take the center stage. So this episode will not be a tongue lashing as you have heard in Season 2, Episode 2 | “Leo & the Very Unpleasant Word,” which truly did deserve such a lashing.

Today’s Wayward Beast episode is for Mr. Porsche. This episode is a “Thank You, Next” episode for  a Man that hurt me a great deal, yet gave me as much of his world as he could. I wish to Thank him for the good things he gifted to me and taught me while he cared for me. If you are unfamiliar with Mr. Porsche, he was the boyfriend that I was seeing from Fall 2018 - Fall of 2020. I was married at the time and my ex-husband [divorce trial 7.27.23] approved of the relationship, because he gifted me money that I used to pay down the mortgage. However, this episode is not about the injustices in my first marriage. That Beast will get his own “Thank You, Next” in July. So as I move us into March, I do hope that you take a moment to name your own fears and see the Beauty Behind your own Beast.

As I am recording this episode for you, I am wearing a black lace teddy that Mr. Porsche bought for me on a shopping spree. My hair smells  of oud and rose as I give this release with gratitude. To match my mood I have a pink candle burning and have “The Cosmos,” a scent by Stella Lux Creations, warming in my wax melter. “The Cosmos” has  notes of bergamot, rose, musk, and patchouli If you’d like to join me for some communal breathing, to syncopate your heart and breath to mine, let’s take three long breaths together . [Breathing in and out X3]

Thank You, Next, Mr. Porsche | A Renaming of a Wayward Beast

Mr. Porsche was a confident man – and this was refreshing to me at the time. He spoke a language that I had been wanting to learn since childhood, and he loved to spend a lot of time with me. In contrast to my marriage that was filled with emotional distance and psychological abuse, a reflection of my early home life, this relationship gave me freedom. 

Mr. Porsche was a dreamer like me. He often supported my dream of writing, encouraging me to write, and he especially celebrated my sensual nature the most. Being new to BDSM, I created a safe space for him and I to explore BDSM together, whether it was in my condo, hotel rooms all over San Diego, and in the play parties I hosted.

The problem was that while my husband knew about the relationship, Mrs. Porsche did not, even though he claimed that she must know by now or that he believed she was cheating on him. Even though I didn’t know Mrs. Porsche, I respected her a great deal. I never wished to be in the way of his primary relationship, and worked very hard to give Mr. Porsche space to take care of his life and responsibilities. On many occasions, Mr. Porsche would cry about how he would never choose to leave his settled and stable life for me, even though he would tell me how much he wished he could give me more.Thus, I knew the relationship had an expiration date in the near future. The time we spent together was often on his moments away from the office for a few hours or late at night where the shadows could shroud my existence in his life. We would often find ourselves driving around aimlessly in his Porsche if we didn’t have a place to be together. We would workout late at night, often followed by a feast and fooling around in his white Porsche. As the relationship moved into 2020, it became increasingly impossible to spend time with him, and I realized I wasn’t getting what I emotionally needed. 

Shortly after moving into my apartment (my Sensual Sanctuary), I found his empty promises and lack of presence leaving me to feel emotionally empty after his visits. A key moment for me was that when I cried and explained how I wasn’t feeling fulfilled, he explained that I was only his private island and that I was not supposed to be sad. Being an adult who was first a child who was rewarded for repressing my emotions, I tried to ignore my emptiness. Afterall, I had spent years never sharing my emotions with my father and had been married to a man who would never be emotionally present with me. While I felt this would be easy once again with Mr. Porsche, I had healed a lot through the relationship, my heart began to hurt in new ways as I began to abandon myself for someone who spent less time with me than the people in my Arabic class. I felt the end of the relationship drawing near but avoided it. I honestly worried about hurting him after being so dedicated for so long, being told that he “needed me” and that I was his escape from reality – as I often tend to be for others. 

Armed with the strength to stand up for my needs, I broke the news to a mutual friend, and I was told the news that I needed to release the guilt of a goodbye. Apparently, I was not the only person he had been seeing throughout the relationship. I then saw the explanation for his emotional absence and how I had started to feel drained by Mr. Porsche. With this new knowledge, I was freed from the fear of hurting him, and I broke off the relationship. 

You may ask, “What were the features of this beast?” I could tell you of the ugly words he said or the anger-filled strike that indicated the beast within him had taken over, but I will leave these memories with only these words. I would much rather, at this point in my life,  remember the goodness he gave me before he became the Wayward Beast that I released in the fall of 2020. However, it is now that I am ready to give the gratitude release that the Habibii of him deserves.

While he was the first to try to clip my wings, I want to thank Mr. Porsche for helping me see my wings before he tried to clip them. Without the awareness of my strengths, I would not be the powerful and confident woman I am today. Thank you to Mr. Porsche for telling me that he would never be able to give me what I emotionally deserved in a partnership in the most triggering way possible, so I could hear him well enough and decide to say goodbye before it became harder for us both. Thank you, Mr. Porsche, for reminding me what hitting out of fury feels like, so I would never allow another  individual the space to remind me of this feeling ever again. Thank you for asking for “goodbye” sex, so I could hear myself say no and hear my own strength out loud.

Thank you for being the first to understand the value of my love and affection and helping me see that value transparently for as long as you did. Thank you for being one of the people I needed at the time to tell me that I was being abused by my ex-husband. You were right, and I am so happy I escaped. Thank you for being the first man to ever write me a poem, which is all I ever wished for until that point. Thank you for each dollar that you gave me that helped me fly away from an abusive home. An endless thank you for giving me a bridge that I could cross to get to safety and for celebrating my intelligence, sensuality, and love for dance. But most of all, thank you for a piece of the moon to help me learn how to see the red flags of abuse. For this beautiful and most precious gift, I grant you safety from the bear traps you didn’t see hiding under the brushes and a reminder that when you only focus only on how many fish you catch, you stop yourself from enjoying a single one that you caught.

Thank you, Next, Mr. Porsche. I release the beast of you and gift you a new name, “Mr. Dibb, [Dibb is the Egyptian Arabic-English transliteration for Bear]” may protection be your strength and may you always be patient for honey – it tastes so much sweeter when you wait and are present.

Thank you, my lovely listener, for joining my Erotic Renaissance and taking time to listen to a gratitude release of a past lover.  I hope this episode inspired a little release of your own, should you need that today.

I do hope that if you’re listening to my voice as the sun sets, that you rest well and easily and dream up new dreams and adventures for tomorrow, and if you’re listening to my voice as the sun rises, may you tame any dragons with the greatest of strength and with the upmost empathy.

I am Meg De la Torre, your Linguist of Love. Let me seduce you.